ZERO GRAVITY TOILET

PASSENGERS ARE ADVISED TO
READ INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE USE

1. The toilet is of the standard zero-gravity type. Depending on requirements, System A and/or System B can be used, details of which are clearly marked in the toilet compartment. When operating System A, if you must piss please move on to instruction 3, depress lever and a plastic dalkron eliminator ,the object that is similar to a colstomy bag, will be dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X" outlet hose. Twist the silver coloured ring one inch below the connection point until you feel it lock otherwise there will be shite all over the walls.

2. The toilet is now ready for use. The Sonovac cleanser, a lovely model, is activated by the small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its initial-condition, so that the two orange line meet otherwise there will be shite all over the walls again. Disconnect. Place the dalkron eliminator in the vacuum receptacle to the rear. Activate by pressing the blue button.

3. The controls for System B, for when you want to take a whizz, are located on the opposite wall. The red release switch places the uroliminator,this device actually eliminates the usual piss boy, into position; it can be adjusted manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release button. The opening is self adjusting, you can thank NASA later. To secure after use, press the green button which simultaneously activates the evaporator and returns the uroliminator to its storage position. If you now have a hankering to poop go to instruction 1.

4. You may leave the lavatory if the green exit light is on over the door. If the red light is illuminated, one of the lavatory facilities is not properly secured , start screaming right now . Press the "Stewardess" call button on the right of the door. She will secure all facilities from her control panel outside. She will not enter to assist as you are surely fucked.When green exit light goes on you may open the door and leave, thank God in any language. Please close the door behind you.

5. To use the Sonoshower, first undress ,GIT YOUR TITS OOT, and place all your clothes in the clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet immediately below. Enter the shower. On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a "Shower seal" button. Press to activate. A green light ,we like green, will then be illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob select the desired setting. Now depress the Sonovac activation lever. Bathe normally.

6. The Sonovac will automatically go off after three minutes , the Sonovac is a French device remember, unless you activate the "Manual off" over-ride switch by flipping it up. When you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button. The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro slippers see and place them in their container.

7. If the red light above this panel is on, the toilet is in use. When the green light is illuminated you may enter. However, you must carefully follow all instructions when using the facilities during coasting (Zero G) flight. You thought we went over this, think again brother. Inside there are three facilities: (1) the Sonowasher, (2) the Sonoshower, (3) the toilet. All three are designed to be used under weightless conditions. Please observe the sequence of operations for each individual facility. (For those of you who thought this instruction should be placed at the beginning, please ask Arthur C. Clarke.)

8. Two modes for Sonowashing your face and hands are available, the "moist-towel" mode and the "Sonovac" ultrasonic cleaner mode ,if you feel repulsed by the word "moist-towel" choose the "Sonovac". You may select either mode by moving the appropriate lever to the "Activate" position.

   If you choose the "moist-towel" mode, you are a dirty monkey. Depress the indicated yellow button and withdraw item. When you have finished, discard the towel in the vacuum dispenser, after all you have just touched a filthy object, holding the indicated lever in the "active" position until the green light goes on...showing that the rollers , the high ones, have passed the towel completely into the dispenser. If you desire an additional towel, press the yellow button and repeat the cycle.

9. If you prefer the "Sonovac" ultrasonic cleaning mode, press the indicated blue button. When the twin panels open, anything that has twin panels is always government tested, pull forward by rings A & B. For cleaning the hands, use in this position. Set the timer to positions 10, 20, 30 or 40...indicative of the number of seconds required. Any more than 50 seconds causes damage to the inner ear, use care here. The knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low, medium or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested unless you want to set your hands aflame, which is not recommended by us, but might be by the criminally insane.

10. After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If during the washing operation, you wish to change the settings, place the "manual off" over-ride switch in the "OFF" position. You may now make the change and repeat the cycle You will pay a 2000 fine in universal dollars if you get shite all over the walls.

11. If your body is feeling the natural urge to pleasure yourself while in Space, it is not recommended unless you utilize the "moist-towel" choice stated in instruction 8. Deposit all bodily fluids upon the moist towel. To dispense with the "moist-towel" follow instruction 8. If you have forgotten any of these instructions read again from the top. Have a nice movement!